Performed at Fourteen East Live 2026, "Nosalgia".
Growing up, I always thought the next age would make me feel older.
You know, when you’re nine, you want to be 10 because then you’re double digits. When I was 12, I thought 13 was the best, because you’re a teenager. When I was 15, I thought people would see me as more grown. When I was 16, I could drive. Then, when I was 17, I wanted to be 18 so I could be seen as an adult. The minute I was 18, 20 seemed better because then you were no longer a teenager. Of course, when I was 20, all I wanted was to be 21, because then I was the legal age to drink.
No matter the age, the one ahead seemed “better.” Constantly thinking the next age would be the age that I would not be viewed as so young.
In reality, I might have been rushing away aspects of being young. Things today that I miss.
Being able to ride one of those bikes that connects to your parents, which would basically be me not pedaling until my dad looks back to check.
Summers that consist of staying at the pool until it closes. My biggest worry being whether my parents were going to let me have a sleepover that night.
Now, when I reflect back on those eras of my life, I view them so differently than when I lived them.
When I was 10, being 15 seemed so old. Now that I’m 21, 15 seems so young.
This might have all been in my head, but I was convinced it wasn’t.
I was around eight years old the first time I was introduced to my favorite movie, Mamma Mia!
As I sat there, being entranced into this musical ABBA Greek paradise, I couldn’t help but want to be Sophie. I mean, anytime my friends would say which character we were, I would naturally claim her.
In the movie she is 20 years old. She seemed so grown up. Getting married, helping her mom run a business and searching for her unknown father. Fast forward to me turning 20 … let’s just say, I did not feel as “grown up” as 8-year-old me imagined.
It’s funny how the perception we have of a certain age can change as we get older.
Why do we want to grow up, though?
Reflecting back, I realized that there is nothing we should be rushing through, because you never realize the last time of something.
Now, I am 21, and no one wants to play mermaids in the pool. We don’t build sand castles at the beach or pretend our playground is a taco shop, stuffing leaves with mulch.
And at some point, playdates turned into hangouts.
It feels that everyone older tells you to enjoy the stage you are in, because it will go by quickly. I can’t even tell you how many people told me this at my high school graduation. I brushed it off, and now that I will be walking at my college ceremony soon. In a wa,y it did fly by, but I also have grown a lot as a person throughout these past four years.
I think there is a constant feeling of not being in the right place causing us to chase a certain impression or age. Thinking that age will fix how people view me, allow them to take me more seriously or view me as more of an equal.
This may stem from me being the youngest in my class growing up. Granted, it was a small class, but I was the only girl and the boys would never let me forget that I was the youngest.
Even if it was by only three months.
This idea of not being in the right place, at least for me, is a bit self-inflicted. Sometimes I can be guilty of overthinking.
I find myself getting more indecisive with age, possibly because the decisions now feel larger. But, I will take 10 minutes to decide which ice cream flavor to order, and immediately regret it after.
So maybe that’s just a me thing.
Starting from a young age, you want to be older. Then one day, you will wake up and want to stop aging. I am not sure where this mindset truly comes from, and it is likely not everyone can relate. But for those that can, it almost is exhausting to think about.
Time can fly.
If I could go back, I would tell my younger self to not think that way, but in all honesty, I probably would not have listened.
Maybe it is my frontal lobe developing, but I seriously doubt anyone’s perception of me completely changed after one of my birthdays.
Going forward my birthday will probably continue to have no effect.
Now, I am 21 and pretty content. I mean, have I reached the birthday where there is kind of the last thing to look forward to? Not in the sense that there is nothing else to look forward to in life, but strictly birthday wise … what?
Getting kicked off my parents’ insurance at 26? No thank you.
Growing older feels more daunting now than it did at eight years old. Living more “in the moment” is more of a focus now than the next age I am approaching.
I believe it would be beneficial for everyone, especially me, to have more appreciation for the age I am, the era of life I’m living in, and to stop wishing it away. Even if it is unintentional.
Header Image by Kathryn Byrnes
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