Peers are getting married and raising families, and even though I don’t want that right now, I feel like I should.

A few weeks ago, I went back to my hometown to see my grandma. That same weekend, a close family friend had her bridal shower. I had known her my entire life—I’d seen her win softball championships, graduate high school, become an ambulance driver, and now I’d be seeing her get married. She’s 23. I sat on the sofa, watching her rip open bridal presents as I ripped into a brisket sandwich. My mind was blank aside from one alarming thought: Am I falling behind in life? 

After the bridal shower ended, I sat in the same spot on the sofa with my mom and grandma around me. We talked about how old they were when they got married, to which they both said, “You can wait longer than I did.” 

I grew up outside of Columbus, Ohio, and have been out of high school for three years now. In that time, I’ve seen countless people I grew up with engaged, married, pregnant and raising families. My sister was married at 20 and a mother by 21. My mom and grandma were both married at 25 and mothers by their late twenties. One of my closest friends from home was married at 22. The “old spinster” moniker feels appropriate to describe myself, as I’m aging and still single. Sometimes, the title feels like freedom. But recently, being a single 21-year-old with no clear life plans, “old spinster” is starting to feel like a death sentence. 

My grandparents at their wedding in July of 1966. My parents at their wedding in June of 1996.

I had my first relationship at 15, and wasn’t single again until I was 18. I was in back-to-back relationships, only a few months apart, if apart at all. I hated the idea of being alone and not having someone to pour all my affections into. I learned to pour all my love into my pet hamster, Colby Jack. After he passed, I was left with a gaping wound in my chest and no one to fill it. 

Colby Jack preparing to nap on my shoulder, one of his favorite spots. Nov. 8, 2021.

Cuddling with Colby in my bed. Oct. 7, 2022.

Colby Jack in his newest hide away, a ceramic ramen noodle cup. May 19, 2022.

My therapist suggested I should fill it myself by finding some inner peace or some semblance of self-love. Instead, I filled it with Legend of Zelda games, Breaking Bad, overtime at work, a two-month relationship and a 21st birthday weekend spent sobbing in my bed.

I’ve tried my best to move past my carnal desire for a lasting relationship, that feeling being the discussion topic for many of my most recent therapy sessions. My therapist recognized that I may feel like I need these relationships, but don’t really want them. In fact, she suggested that many other young people may be feeling the same way. Because of the rights that women in past generations have won for us, the current work and marital landscape has never been more open—and for better or for worse—more independent. Perhaps I wasn’t so pulled by the intrigue of a relationship simply because I had other options. For the women of the past, such a simple liberty didn’t exist. 

HISTORY

Women have only been able to vote for 104 years, and within that near-century, rights have been pulled from us continuously. According to a timeline by the National Women’s History Alliance, 1924’s Radice v. New York stated that women could not work between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m., but made an exception for ladies’ room attendants and entertainers. Women were too physically weak to work overnight, but if they were doing it for the enjoyment of men, like cabaret dancers and singers, then it didn’t matter.

In 1938, the Fair Labor Standards Act established a minimum wage with no difference between sexes. In 1961’s Hoyt V. Florida, it was decided that women would continue to be less likely to be picked for jury duty because they were “still regarded as the center of home and family life.” ​​ 1963’s Equal Pay Act promised equal wages for work regardless of race, sex, color, religion or national origin. 1964’s Title VII of the Civil Rights Act prohibited employment discrimination for the same qualities. 

These laws against women made it incredibly difficult for them to do anything at the time. Women weren’t even allowed to open their own bank accounts until 1974. Even then, some banks required that the husband sign the paper that allowed women to open credit cards and bank accounts, according to Forbes. 

Now, as women have achieved more agency in their personal lives and careers, settling down with a family doesn’t feel as appealing as it used to. Women are finding structure in positions other than the married one, and it shows. In fact, the age of first marriages in women has steadily increased from 20 in 1890 to around 28 in 2023, according to the Census.

That isn’t to say that women have become entirely opposed to the idea of marriage; they have been given more options that delay it. Such a shift is not so easy for us to digest, of course. Do we seize the independence our mothers and grandmothers might not have had? The independence their generation worked so tirelessly for? Or are we missing out on love in the process? Do our male peers experience the same feelings? How do we know what is right for us? How do we know we’re not too late? 

It’s no wonder I feel compelled to jump into a relationship—it is what has been expected from our society for so long. The post-feminist situation is one that toggles between the newfound freedom of today and the traditional timeline of the past. It’s confusing, disorienting, and in a way, beautiful. 

Now, we must only remind ourselves that there will inevitably be that craving for connection; after all, humans are social creatures. We will love and be loved, but we are all finding it at different paces now. Until I find my pace, hamsters will do the trick!

I wrote a poem as a part of a collection about this very phenomenon.

Puppy Love

I think I’ve been spoiled with a dog’s love                           Maybe I just love like a dog

Unconditionally there, even when

                                                      I shouldn’t be around anymore

I growl and bark and bite                        Because I know what this is

               This is not what I want 

But you say you want me desperately

                          So I’m inclined to say the same 

I slobber and shake and pant    Because I know what this is 

This is not what I want but                I’ve told myself it is               That you’re my everything 

And you’ll go on your way 

I kiss and lay on you and cry when you’re not around               Because I know what this is

This is not what I want.

But it’s a treasure of mine, it’s something that is mine 

grown and sown just by me, by us                   But it’s never us                     There isn’t us

I’m always the crazed one

Who slobbers and pants and paces

Header by Julia Hester