The struggles of being a graduating international student

I woke up in a cold sweat again last night. It was dark. I sat up in my bed because it felt like I couldn’t breathe. It felt like something was sitting on my chest. I was suffocating in a sea of silence. This was an unfamiliar feeling to me.

I’ve always been rational and level-headed, but as my decade-long life as a college student comes to an end, the looming uncertainty of the future is slowly chipping away at me. I get out of bed and turn on my laptop. The job listings are already tabbed open. Resumes, cover letters and demo reels have been sent to anyone that will take them.

Unfortunately, I have three months to find a job, otherwise I’ll have to return to India. As an international student, I can only legally stay in the U.S. if I find a job after graduating. I’m doing everything I can, but what if it’s not enough? What if I have to go back home? I feel like I came here to chase after my dream, but I fear that going home would mean I’m giving up on them completely. These questions race through my mind as I send another email, that probably won’t get a reply.

The sunlight peaks through my blinds as I stare at the screen. I look at my window in a sleep-deprived trance. It’s all gray. The sky, the buildings, the street – everything is gray. All the deadline writing exercises in the world couldn’t prepare me for this. My time in this country seems to be coming to an end, and I feel like I’m just twiddling my thumbs, waiting for it to happen.

Thinking too much about it makes me uneasy, but I can’t speak to anyone because I can’t find the words to say. I put on a façade with my friends when they ask me how I’m doing.

“Tired,” is all I can say, as I scroll through my phone. I can’t tell them I’m not just physically tired. Sure, I am not sleeping a lot. But what I am truly tired of is waking up in a panic every night to apply for jobs. Hoping there aren’t any follow-up questions, I’ll try to change the subject by asking them mundane questions about things I don’t care about.

“Did you watch the Cubs game yesterday?”

I didn’t. I was busy sending out my resume to companies I’ve never heard of before.

I smile at their jokes and try as hard as I can to not dissociate, but there is nothing else I can think about right now. Music, sports and video games don’t interest me as much anymore. Books and TV shows never really did. My mind is preoccupied by something that isn’t in my control. I know all I can do is send in my application. I don’t know who is going to look at it or if it’s even going to be looked at. Empty inboxes and cover letters control my day. 

I don’t want to feel like this, but I’m struggling to cope with the fact that I might not be good enough. I don’t have time to feel sorry for myself. I’ve been told that everyone goes through this, but no one’s told me how to deal with it. But is everyone going through this process while also battling the clock to maintain a visa? How do I look at my peers who are looking for the same jobs that they don’t understand? I guess I just have to persevere – keep sending out applications.

This is what my life has become now. There is no excitement surrounding my graduation. I’m afraid of what my future holds. I’m afraid of what happens when I cross that stage. The diploma feels more like an airplane ticket back to India. I fear the worst, and I’m sad that it most likely will happen. I’m scared of not even getting an opportunity to show what I’ve learned over the past two years. I’m sad that my passion for journalism might turn into a pastime. I watch the clock. It ticks away the seconds. I check my inbox. Empty. 

There is no happy ending. But my ending hasn’t come for me yet. Until it does, I’ll be here. Hungry for my chance. Fighting for a spot. 

Header by Hailey Bosek