Editor’s note: This piece is fictional. It was written as a chapter to a young adult novel.

September 19, 2017

Dear Diary,

A definition of teenager found on Urban Dictionary is: “Something I’m not proud to be, because a lot of teenagers are, quite simply put; idiots. I’m 17, and I look around and see all of these people (teenagers) moping around, I tell them that we live like kings and they shrug me off and tell me about how bad their life is because, for example, they got dumped. Teenagers aren’t mentally ready, or responsible, for relationships. Love at first sight? No, lust at first sight my good gentlemen, there is a difference.”

As a senior in high school, I often find myself looking for “The One” who will sweep me off my feet and ride on a unicorn with me into the sunset. I crave the moment where our eyes will lock and we both knowingly experience a spark. The chances of that happening are the same chances the dinosaurs have to resurrect back on Earth, it seems. In the age of Tinder and online dating, the idea of the classic old style of meeting someone and experiencing love at first sight is a foreign phenomenon. But still I naively and stupidly wait for that moment. I constantly look around, over my shoulder, at reflections, hoping to lock a gaze and feel something. 

I have this condition –– “lust at first sight.” The causes of this hopefully temporary sickness are unrealistic movies, stereotypical romance novels, and the worst of the worst: our childhood princess stories, where the guy gets the girl and everything is jolly good after that. In the real world, 50 percent of marriages end in a divorce. Divorce is the new norm now and movies still don’t include couples fighting or arguing over petty things that I notice in every household. 

In reality, couples fight about housework and their kids; who has to do what and how much they have to do. I have not noticed infidelity in marriages recently because no one has the time for themselves let alone another love interest. People have no time for romance; they’re tired: of their spouses not listening to them, of their children disobeying them, of their bosses constantly pressuring them. 

Even though I realize that it’s probably never going to happen, I still keep expectations and my desires open. I don’t want to get in any relationship because I know I’m not ready but why, oh why, do I have these feelings? Are my hormones aggravating the stereotypes in my mind? The point is that teenagers such as myself need to be able to realize reality, apply our thoughts in the real world to understand if they make sense or not. But maybe we realize but can’t apply that logic against our raging hormones. Why are teenage years hard? Because our hormones make us act in idiotic ways.

Another thing with teenagers is that we are treated like children but expected to act like adults. Being a teenager can be hard since we experience the most ageism but it’s up to us to make the right choices. Listening to advice from teachers and sometimes parents when it’s time for decision-making can be helpful. But at the end of the day, it is our life; our choice. 

Here I am, on Valentine’s Day, merging thoughts about lust and my desire for independence. Do I crave a deep love or is it just deep lust in disguise? When shall a teenager with these burning urges get to break free? When will I be free from the emotional bondages of my mind?”

Header illustration by Bridget Killian